Superman
by bucklind17
Summary: A Rent song-fic...Roger reflects.


superman Disclaimer: The characters are Jonathan's, of course. The song is Five For Fighting's "Superman".   
Author's note: I LOVE this song. It works, I think. It's my first song-fic, so... Again, as usual, I don't know how well my characterizations are. I think if you put the situation into perspective it makes some sense. This hints at a possibility of M/Rness, but that's basically the whole point.   


I can't stand to fly   
I'm not that naive   
I'm just out to find   
The better part of me 

I don't feel. I used to. I used to be able to take every one of my emotions and place it, but I don't do that anymore. It wasn't gradual. Neither was the death and disease that entered my life. That may be why. The whole "we have AIDS" thing, and then the body floating in the bathtub, that was enough to numb me for life. It did numb me for six months, six months I wouldn't relive for a million bucks. I came out of that little slump, but I'm still numb. 

I hurt people. I never used to. I used to use the excuse that losing love and life in one day was enough to be angry, to withdraw, but it isn't. At least not anymore. But I still hurt him. I yell at him, I tell him to leave me alone, to get off my back. I don't want to. I don't know where it all comes from. I know that it hurts him, yet I do it anyway. I know I don't have to be like this, I don't want to be like this. 

I'm more than a bird…I'm more than a plane   
More than some pretty face beside a train   
It's not easy to be me 

I got the band back together to regain a sense of normalcy in my life. Losing Mimi was worse than losing April, but it didn't affect me in the same way. This time I just wanted the pain to be over, the heartbreak, the nagging Mark did. I knew he only wanted to help me, to get me through, but he doesn't know when to give up. He devoted his life to me, every waking moment was spent tending to my every need. 

I think he loves me. I think he thinks I love him. I don't know if I do. So much of my life is spent on a stage. People admire me from afar. They see my spiked hair and blue eyes and rugged rock star look and they like me. They like my shell, the body that holds the actual me. Mark loves the real me. Mark sees something in me and I don't even know what it is. For so long, I was just a walking body with nothing on the inside, and even then he saw something that I, and everyone else for that matter, didn't. Does that mean he loves me? What does that mean? 

He gets angry. He wants me to admit that I care about him. He wants me to tell him how much I love him, that I think he's wonderful and I'm so thankful for our friendship. There's so much he can see, but he can't see that I don't work that way. Even when I used to feel, I didn't work that way. I can't tell people things. I can't cry. All I know how to do is get angry and withdraw. I can't cry. 

Wish that I could cry   
Fall upon my knees   
Find a way to lie   
About a home I'll never see 

Sometimes I want to though. I want to take him in my arms and I want to run my fingers through his hair and I want to cry. I want to cry for all I've lost in my life. I want to scream about not having a future. I want to let it all out, for God's sake, and just BE for once in my life. I want to know who the fuck I am and be at peace for him for once in my life. I want to be able to get through ONE day without obsessing over all the shit that has come into my worthless life. 

It may sound absurd…but don't be naive   
Even Heroes have the right to bleed   
I may be disturbed…but won't you concede   
Even Heroes have the right to dream   
It's not easy to be me 

It'll never happen. I should know that by now. I shouldn't expect any good from life. I killed that chance with the needle I came to need and the people I came to love. You can't be friends with people like mine and expect life to be easy. There's too much lose, to much love that goes unsaid because it's too hard to admit it, there's too much pain. I'm crazy to think that crying would help, but I wish…I wish I could. I wish I could see if it does. 

Up, up and away…away from me   
It's all right…You can all sleep sound tonight   
I'm not crazy…or anything… 

I don't know if I love him. I don't know if I want to love him. I don't deserve him. He doesn't need me. He's my best friend, and I could never let go of that, but I can't do this to him. I can't let him think that I love him, I can't give him that false hope. I realize how much it hurts me to hurt him. He just breaks so easily and takes so long to mend…I don't mean to. I really don't mean to, and I wish I could find a way to tell him that and make him understand it. He obsesses over every feeling I convey toward him, and I just want him to be able to put it aside, to not worry about me running out again because I can't do that. 

I watched him sleep one night. I don't know why. I walked into his room and I stood there. He's so fitful when he sleeps. He's worried I'm going to leave him again. This isn't a selfish prediction on my part, I know it's true. He sat straight up and called out my name, as if I were running from him. I stood still, and he didn't realize I was there before he laid back down. It's hard for me to know how much I mean to him, to know how every minute of his life depends on whether or not I'm in it. It makes me want to be like that toward him, but it's yet another thing I don't think I can do. 

I can't stand to fly   
I'm not that naive   
Men weren't meant to ride   
With clouds between their knees 

He tells me that I hide myself. Everything is a front, I'm really not this tough, strong person I make myself out to be. I act mean and angry to keep people away because I'm afraid they'll see who I really am. Doesn't he know that they're not supposed to see that? I'm not supposed to be scared of dying or scared of losing him. I'm not supposed to be confused by the love I have for my best friend, which seems so strong yet so different from the love I felt for my girlfriends in the past. I'm not supposed to have to go through life with a constant fear of the unknown. I'm not. I want to be as strong as I pretend to be. 

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet   
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street   
Only a man in a funny red sheet   
Looking for special things inside of me 

I do though. I hide. I find my weaknesses and I embrace them. I realize that I do feel. But I don't feel the right things. I feel this love for him, but I don't admit it. I feel this fear for the future, but I don't show it. I hurt like hell but I don't tell him. I go through life hiding. I don't want to do it anymore. But I don't know how to let it end. 

It's not easy to be me.   
  
  
  
  


Please review...I always think my stuff is so bad and reviews make me smile ;-) 


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